“Female rage” a phrase so universally known any woman could close her eyes and feel the hot red rising. Female rage however is unique to each of us and made up of years of lived experiences. Mine, I know, comes from a privileged body and peaceful encounters. Mine is not like others; theirs is not like mine, but yet all are still fiery.
My female rage comes from deep in my gut. A gut that’s been weighed and measured and sucked in and withheld from for the hopes of being a forever unattainable “perfect”.
It’s held in my tight lip smile that doesn’t reach my eyes when a comment disguised as a compliment slithers and crawls under my skin.
It nags at me when I see my lines in the sand have been so quietly crossed, ever so slightly but not so innocently toed by the perpetrator. Leaving me questioning if the step was big enough to warrant a reaction.
It runs up my spine and prickles my skin like a cold chill when I have to ask myself, “Was that enough to say something about?”, self doubt choking me into silence.
It comes in flashes of videos of men on stages preaching about bodies they’ve never lived in yet still casting the blame on those bodies and all the while making inappropriate innuendos to their congregations every Sunday.
“Is it a wonder I broke? Let’s hear one more joke”
It tries to escape in conversations when my sentences are cut short by masculine voices who feel as if their voice is more important. When subjects are changed, opinions are not wanted, thoughts are not validated and ideas are never able to grow.
It boils when a hobby or enjoyment is belittled because it isn’t understood. When they say joy is only validated when it’s packaged in violence or on fields.
It’s in my eyes as I scan rooms looking for exits. Looking at others trying to see the soul within, trying to determine if there is safety or harm.
It’s in the rigidity of my body going stiff and straight as unwanted hands touch and arms wrap around.
Female rage sits quietly in my chest pressing hard against my ribs. It is often locked inside to keep me from burning bridges and setting wildfire to situations. It’s tamped down by laughs of “overreaction” hurled like bullets blowing holes into my intuition.
But at some point the key gets turned and the match strikes and the lava flows.
Female rage is in my fingers as I hold the pen and vote for a presidential candidate who sees me for more than a body, a wife, a breeding machine. It’s in the desperate cries to anyone who will hear me. To understand that my life and the lives of all women teeter on a tightrope.
My female rage is so loud it won’t let me be silent any longer.
”I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason”
I’d love to say that the moment I met her with her curly red hair and freckles like constellations I instantly knew she’d become a constant pillar in my life and my very best friend but the truth is it didn’t exactly happen that way. In fact, after being cast in a community theater production sharing many scenes together, my character was her assistant, we didn’t really talk let alone hit it off until show week. If you get her to tell this story she’d probably tell you how we both made snap judgments of the other and didn’t really like each other the first couple of months. But even as show week came to an end and I was putting my number in her phone under “Keilee The Epic” with a bunch of emojis I had no idea that 11 years later it would still be there.
I could sit here and write a whole dissertation on Emma. I could tell you what she likes; cats, and what she doesn’t; mayonnaise, that her favorite color is not purple but actually yellow and she’s one of the few people I know who can correctly wear and rock a scarf. I could go on with the trivia style facts but that’s not really who she is. Emma is unstoppable. She is determined, a force to be reckoned with but also incredibly kind and compassionate and can make friends with anyone, including park pigeons. She’s effortlessly fun, outgoing and magnetic. Once you get to know her you’ll consider her a best friend. She’s not only passionate but proactive with those passions. She’s brave, bold and fearless, except when it comes to bugs. She celebrates with you and for you and never once undervalues your accomplishments. She is creative and talented and always makes her visions come to life. I honestly believe she could do anything she wanted and given the opportunity could solve many of the world’s problems.
Looking back through the years I can see all the scenes coming together. The insignificant mundane of life, silly rants and glamping. The accomplishments and opportunities, the quarter life crisis and fun of girlhood. Enter in the boys, the tears, losses, breakups and the banana shirt guys. The next act is full of big dreams and big moves, new jobs and thankfully quit jobs. There is comedic relief with falling in love with the same fictional characters and obsessing over Taylor Swift. Some of the scenes play out through the long FaceTime calls and several months of 8 hour time differences. Through all these 11 years I’ve gotten a front row seat to the most incredible show of them all; Emma.
She is the golden retriever to my black cat, the big city to my small town, the sweet to my sour, the Serena to my Blair, the ginger to my blonde and even though I’m the one with a love for pink she is the Glinda to my Elphaba.
Maybe I didn’t know the moment I met her in 2013 that she would be so important to me, but I’ve known every day since.
“I do believe I have been changed for the better, and because I knew you, I have been changed for good” ~Wicked
Sometimes you do have to leave the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.
A couple months ago we decided to completely ignore TLC’s words of wisdom. We booked a tiny house in the woods and set out to chase a few waterfalls.
After planning and packing we filled our little car to the brim and seemingly took the whole house with us on the two and a half hour drive. From the interstate to little twisting and turning two lane roads we traveled. We listened to an audio book, reminisced and played a few rounds of 20 Questions. Huckleberry silently alternated between watching the world go by and sleeping in the back seat. While I on the other hand alternated between excitement and being a nervous passenger who hates 18 wheelers. The hours passed and we finally made it up the mountain to Mentone, Alabama.
As chronic early birds we not so patiently waited for our check-in time to arrive. We drove into the adorable downtown and stopped at Mentone Market. We would end up visiting this market several more times on the trip. While there we grabbed lunch to go and headed to Brow Park for a picnic. This park was a look-out with picnic tables and gorgeous views. From up top I realized all those stressful little uphill roads were actually worth it.
We aimlessly drove around neighborhoods and then stumbled upon a cemetery to stop and explore. We looked for the oldest birth date which we awarded to 1834 before it got too hot and we went to check-in.
For years Mom and I have said we wanted a tiny house. As eclectic maximalists this is a far fetched fantasy but it was so fun getting to experience tiny house living for a few days! Our adorable house “Hikers Haven” was the perfect blend of modern and cozy. The twinkle lights lining the path to the fire pit and the large front porch made the outdoors just as charming as the inside. Huckleberry felt right at home and immediately curled up on the couch as we unpacked. With a fully equipped kitchen we cooked dinner and afterwards cozied up on the couch with popcorn and watched our new obsession Madam Secretary.
One of the reasons we chose to stay in Mentone were all the beautiful trails and waterfalls at Desoto State Park and Little River Canyon. On the first full day of our trip we packed our lunch and headed out to the trails. We visited the Desoto County Store to grab a trail map and started the day with the easy “Talmadge Butler Boardwalk”. It was so beautiful and tranquil. Afterwards we headed to “Lost Falls Trailhead”. After spotty cell reception and getting lost a couple times we decided to pivot and head out to Little River Canyon. We drove down the “Scenic Drive” and stopped at a look-out for lunch. Then it was time to see what we came here for; waterfalls! “Little River Canyon National Preserve” had stunning views of the waterfall. They even had a trail that led out to the top rocks of the waterfall but Huckleberry was such an excited mountain goat we decided not to chance it and potentially have him jump down in the water reenacting Pocahontas.
We drove back to our tiny house (about 25 minutes) and spent the rest of the late afternoon on the patio playing games, reading and catching up on social media. The weather was lovely and Huckleberry loved watching the leaves float down in the cool breeze. Although we had planned a meal for every night of the stay we decided to mix it up and get the highly recommended (by past visitors in the tiny house guest book) Chicken and Bacon Ranch Pizza from Mentone Market, and I’m SO GLAD we did! 10/10 would recommend!
Mentone is a lovely little town and there were a few shops on Main Street but with Huckleberry being with us we didn’t have a chance to stop in. There were two separate restaurants we’d heard incredible things about that even had porch eating to accommodate pets but before planning the trip we didn’t look at their hours of operation and they were unfortunately closed while we were there. We’re definitely looking forward to trying those on our next Mentone trip!
It was back at the trails again for the second full day! We started with a walk around Desoto Falls Picnic Area that had not only a dam but three waterfalls! It was breathtaking! The stairs leading back up to the picnic area had beautiful mosaic art with a quote by John Muir.
We then continued the hiking adventure by hiking down “Indian Falls Trail”. This was a bit difficult and left me exhausted because of the aforementioned Huckleberry in excited mountain goat mode. He loved racing down the pine needle and leaf covered rocks and in the process pulling me down with him.
After this treacherous journey it was back to the tiny house for lunch, playing the Switch in the master bedroom and a late afternoon on the patio. It was the chilliest of the days so we had chicken taco soup with cheese and chips. Everything about the tiny house was so cute and cozy. From the faux fireplace heater to the second bedroom loft. The aqua and yellow color scheme was so cheerful and they had every amenity you’d need, including a Ninja coffee maker (which I was most grateful for). Even though we were in a new town in the woods we felt completely safe in our tiny home!
While Huckleberry is a bit crazy around the edges, really what Miniature Australian Shepherd isn’t, he was incredible during the trip! Of course he loved the long car ride but I was pleasantly surprised at how well he adjusted to the tiny house. He didn’t miss a beat and while we unpacked he settled in and felt right at home! In fact, he didn’t bark once on the whole trip, well except for that one time during lunch when a loud car pulled up to look-out, but that was understandable. The fact that a dog who regularly barks at the mailman, suspicious squirrels in the yard, loud trucks and more multiple times a day didn’t make one peep on this whole four day trip is astonishing! Besides camping this was our first trip with Huckleberry and he added so much joy! Mom and I had fun together, we always do, we even have fun just running errands together. Turning our duo into a trio made it all the more enjoyable!
The last morning packing up, loading up the car, locking up and saying goodbye to the tiny house was a bit bittersweet!
We breathed in mountain air, explored a little town, got lost in the woods, found beautiful treasures in nature, ran our tire into a hole, laughed hard, tired out an ever energetic puppy, played games, lived in a tiny house, hiked until our legs were sore, began planning our next trip and made wonderful memories chasing waterfalls.
“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike.”- John Muir
“Hold on to spinning around, confetti falls to the ground, may these memories break our fall”
~Long Live ~ Taylor Swift
Soon it will all be over. The music will fade and foil stars will catch in the light one last time. The lights will start to dim and the theater will be quiet. Soon the doors will be locked and all of the sparkling glitter will be neatly swept up and thrown away. All of it over, gone without a trace.
But before the joyful children stop grabbing handfuls of sparkles and throwing them in the air, before it’s brushed off clothes and out of hair, before the cleaning crew starts to work on the glittering task, it shines brightly.
In THIS moment it cascades down in shining stars of assorted sizes and rainbow colors.
All the colors that bring back so many memories.
That bright blue that is like the Elsa dress I wore that spring day in 2015 that unbeknownst to me would change the trajectory of my life forever.
The yellow that is like the little bumblebee costume I wore on that same stage almost 2 decades ago. The costume I was wearing when I first fell in love with performing.
The silver that is like the mic taped to my face the first time I wore one on stage in my first leading role when I was 11.
The white that is like the door in the background of my first YouTube video; one of a 7 year old me singing and dancing to a “Wizards Of Waverly Place” song.
The green that is like the Ariel skirt I wore in the photo I used to debut my company when I was 16.
The purple that is like the color of my Disney Princess CD player as I placed the new self titled “Taylor Swift” album inside, getting ready to passionately perform “Picture To Burn” in front of my bedroom mirror.
The red that is like Dorothy’s iconic shoes on stage as I sat in my Mom’s lap when I was three. In that same auditorium, I was mesmerized watching a play for the first time.
The gold that is like the shiny hinges on the handmade chest turned dress up box my grandfather made for me when I was growing up.
The pink that is like the feathers on my boa as I dressed like a “Popstar” for career day in kindergarten.
With the disco ball turning, the crowd cheering and the show coming to an end it only seems fitting to have those little star shaped memories collected over the decades raining down on me. All the moments that seemed so inconsequential at the time but all collectively bringing me here. Here on stage living out my childhood dreams and being covered in rainbow confetti.
A full story and behind the scenes of my Pop Princess Singalong & Dance Party Taylor Swift Fundraiser for everyone who couldn’t be there or needs planning ideas.
Photo by Carolyn Bild
I am no stranger to the spotlight or the stage. In fact, performing has always been my happy place. My stage debut was at age 6 when I performed on The Princess Theater Stage as a bumble bee in “The Jungle Book”. While this role seems small and inconsequential it was actually very challenging for a newly 6 year old because the director decided to keep a majority of children on stage the whole time to represent the “jungle”! For almost the entire show I stood there under the bright lights with all 677 seats able to see me. I was immediately hooked. In kindergarten there was a school project of what you wanted to be when you grow up. Of course I made a “pop star”. I continued performing on that stage and several others until my Princess career took up all of my weekends.
Photo by Juergen Beck
After I was no longer able to perform on the Princess’s stage I was still involved with the theatre. In the 2017-2018 I school year was an assistant teacher for a homeschool theatre class. I even graduated at The Princess Theatre. I gave our class speech on that stage and later that evening walked across it to receive my high school diploma.
Now I get to work with the Princess promoting upcoming shows by interviewing artists and performers. Not quite 2 decades of history lead up to where this Taylor Event all started, April 2024. I was contacted by the Princess to potentially host a fundraiser. Originally I turned them down because I’m always incredibly busy and I didn’t have a fundraiser idea that I felt was worth hosting. After posting photos in my replica Taylor Swift costume I had so many comments from locals asking if I was going to be performing somewhere. Well at the time I didn’t have a show so I knew I had to create one! After pitching my idea to the team at The Princess Theatre (and them approving it) it was time to get to work! I only had 78 days to pull all this together!
Photo by Carolyn Bild
The first step was creating a fun pop kid-friendly Taylor Swift setlist. While I wish I could have done so many more songs I didn’t want to lose the little’s attention so I kept it to 13 songs. One of the hardest parts was creating choreography to all 13 songs. I knew I wanted it to be high energy and exciting. If you had asked me a few years ago if I was a dancer I would have told you absolutely not. I’ve taken ballet, once for a few months at age 6 then again for a year at age 11. I took jazz for a few months when I was 7. I performed many musical theatre numbers over the years and I learned Hannah Montana’s “Hoedown Throwdown” in the summer of 2008 but that was the extent of my dance history. I wouldn’t have considered myself coordinated (it took me years to learn how to skip) until spring of 2019 when I began to offer JoJo Siwa for birthday parties. I spent hours learning the choreography to her music videos. If I can dance to JoJo I can dance to anything!
I created choreography and routines to each song by watching Taylor’s back up dancers from corresponding Eras Tour performances, dancers on Tiktok and YouTube videos of various dance companies and dance competitions. I’d take different moves here and there and piece them all together. I had to be intentional with the moves I kept because my right hand would always be holding a microphone and I also have to sing through all of it. For weeks I focused on putting together high energy and fun routines that I was happy with.
Photo by Karen
Once I had all the moves down it was time to start putting it all together and practicing the full show. I did this 5 days a week for 2 months. At first I could barely sing through the first set without my face getting all red and gasping for air, then I could make it through the whole set but collapsed immediately after and lay on the floor unable to breathe and then it wasn’t so hard anymore. I practiced in my room, in the living room, on my church’s stage and on the Princess Theatre’s stage. I practiced often in my shoes and often with the wig on. I practiced until I could do every step in my sleep.
I had a setlist and choreography but I needed to add the finishing touches. I love a good costume change and shout out to my Mom for encouraging me to add new costumes to the show! Taylor Swift debuted her TTPD set on the Eras Tour on May 9th and I ordered my “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart” costume that night. I also ordered a gorgeous purple layered tulle high low dress for my Speak Now set and my Red Era costume. I spent hours rhinestoning and glittering each outfit and matching microphones!
An Eras themed event isn’t complete without a fun photo area and a light up bracelet!
This was the first time I’ve ever attempted a balloon arch and THANK goodness I had amazing balloon arch expert helpers who sat for over 2 hours blowing up balloons and creating the arch with minimal help from me!
If you’re looking for these items check out this Amazon list of everything I bought from backdrops and balloons to costumes and rhinestones and everything in between.
Photo by Carolyn Bild
It takes a village to make a show. Thankfully I had talented, kind and wonderful people who willingly jumped into this mess with me and volunteered their time. Madeline and Anna Kate got the party started greeting guests and kept the energy alive performing on the stage while I was off stage changing costumes! My favorite thing they did was acting in the skit for “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart”. They pulled me off the floor and changed my costume on stage. They sat me down and brushed my hair, put on my necklace and forced me to perform.
Photo by Karen
One of my ride or dies Katie volunteered (and roped Lauren into it as well) to be part of this special night and they popped the confetti wands.
Photo by Carolyn Bild
A local photographer Carolyn Bild heard about my show and reached out to me and volunteered her time and talents to take all of the stunning photos of the show. These captured moments are something I’m going to cherish and look back on often! Another talented photographer Juergen Beck attended the show and got incredible shots!
Photo by Karen
Hannah was the GOAT of the evening being the music starter, backstage manager, prop master, disaster avoider and costume changer. If it wasn’t for Hannah this show couldn’t have happened! She got me dressed like a Barbie doll every time I came off stage panting and trying to drink as much water as I could. She accomplished a 28 second costume change that I thought was impossible and never did I miss a cue. Her husband Jesse made and constructed my balloon arch and her children Lillie, Tucker and Truett were my biggest cheerleaders.
Photo by Hannah
The one who was in this with me from the very first second I came up with the idea to the moment I came home after the show on a performance high, was my Mom. From listening to me obsess over details and planning to crying every time she watched me perform “Long Live” (which was a lot because she liked watching me practice). She was the one who had taken me to audition almost two decades ago to be a little bumble bee on stage, she was the one who gave me my diploma on the Princess’ stage and she was the first face I looked for in the crowd that night.
Photo by Carolyn Bild
Looking back the actual show is a blur of screaming children, sparkles, bright lights, costumes flying and adrenaline rushes. I’ve been on stage countless times, I’ve performed as characters almost every week for 9 years and I’ve even performed as Taylor many times but there was nothing like 250 people singing and cheering just for me. Under the bright lights I could feel it all; all the dreams I had of being a “pop star” when I was little, all the over dramatic YouTube videos I made and all the moments I stood on that stage in various plays wishing to “make it” one day. I could feel it all. I wished I could tell little me how amazing this was. No I didn’t exactly “make it big” and it wasn’t exactly how I had dreamed, but she would’ve been so proud of us.
Photo by Carolyn Bild
The performance play by play:
I took the stage to “Shake It Off” then performed “…Ready For It?”, “Look What You Made Me Do” and “Blank Space”. I then left the stage to change while Madeline and Anna Kate pumped up the crowd with jumbo beach balls. I entered in my Red outfit for “22” and gave away the 22 hat then transitioned into “I Knew You Were Trouble”, “Anti-Hero” and “We Are Never Getting Back Together”. After that I collapsed to the ground while Madeline and Anna Kate brought out the set and props and we did our skit. I then performed “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart” and exited the stage. As I changed for the next set Madeline and Anna Kate danced to the first half of “Fearless” and I came on to finish out the song and perform “Love Story” and “You Belong With Me”. I rushed off stage and after a 28 second costume change I closed the show with “Long Live” and confetti.
After the show ended I changed into my 1989 Eras Tour Movie costume and went out to the lobby for the meet and greet and photos.
Photo by Carolyn Bild
All of this to say, Thank you Taylor Swift for sharing your shine so we all can sparkle.
